On the other side of it all

After a week of household sicknesses, sleepless nights, and the general requirement to press through a lot of drudgery when all I really wanted to do was sleep through it.

After not really liking the me I am when I'm covered in the stuff of life and perseverance, I finally find myself on the other side.  However long it takes, the other side usually comes right?

And this morning, on this side of it all, when I'm feeling spent but thankful, I hear the Voice in my heart whisper, 'I love you. I love the you you are when no one else is around. The gritted teeth you.  The you who left all performance in the dust because there was no space left for it in hands filled with the paraphernalia of Life'.

Perhaps you need to hear it too. If so here's something that's true every single day whether you feel it or not:

You are Beautiful.

byoo-tuh-fuh l]

1. having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc; delighting the senses or mind.

2. excellent of its kind.

xxx

Photography: Cat Lane

One Day.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow, written by Ira Stanphill.  Today's inspiration performed by me little over a year before Ava was born.

One day I'll leave my phone at home.  I'll buy my favourite snacks and spend a Saturday at the park, laying in the sunshine, reading the latest Jeffery Archer trilogy or Francine Rivers tear-jerker; taking frequent breaks to create back stories for passers-by whilst loosing myself in a clear blue sky.

One day husby and I will re-live that time before the girls arrived when we spent approximately nine hours in bed, eating bad food and watching The Lord of the Rings extended version back to back with no breaks. 

One day I'll pass up the opportunity to juggle, and just do one thing at a time.

One day (soon) I'll pick up my guitar and have the space mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually to collect my thoughts and feelings into song.  

One day I'll wake up naturally, begin to start my standardly hectic day, only to realise I actually have nothing to do.  Nothing. At. All.  Then I'll roll over and wake up next week.  

One day I'll sit and stare at a wall.  Just because I can.

Until then I'll commit to memory the sound of a two year old tearing through the house at speed whilst screaming "The mummies on the bus go chatter, chatter, chatter aaaallllll daaaaay looooonnnnng...", at the top of her lungs, because one day every room in our house will be mostly silent and I'll both love it and hate it in equal measure.  

Until then I'll snuggle with the girls and watch Frozen for the fiftieth time, ignoring the throw-up on my t-shirt, and the fact that I haven't had time to shower since yesterday. Until then I'll be thankful I've learnt that I can actually function on 3-5 hours of sleep, and that it is possible to leave the house without a stitch of makeup on because it really isn't that big a deal.  Until then I'll hold on to the truth that despite the contrarion in my head telling me otherwise, I can keep loving when it seems I'm all out of the good stuff.  

Until then I'll keep joyfully immersing myself into this wife and mummy life, knowing I am all of this and so much more.

One Day I'll have more 'me' time than I can stand.

Until then I'll fully live the season I'm in, moving with its rhythm, and having ears open to it's lessons.  Because after all I am that chick that did once write: 'Tomorrow's not promised but I'm glad I have today'. 

xx 

Boxhill, Kites, Snuggles & Creativity.

Currently listening to this jam: 

I can't believe we've lived a 35 minute drive from Boxhill National Trust for five years, and we've only just visited this place. 

What a gorgeous, serene space, and the View Point very much lives up to the hype.  

The kite Kenny insisted I buy Ava ages ago, finally had a chance to kiss the skies, and he threw himself into his father-daughter kite flying lesson with such gusto that I got the funny feeling this flighty purchase was more for him than her.  I enjoyed snuggles in the sun with our not so new newborn, drinking in the stunning views and the crisp fresh air.

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Lately I've been working hard to retain the things that help me to feel like me.  Not Bianca the daughter, wife or mother, but just the me I know when I look in the mirror.  It's been hard to feel like that person when you are so many other things to other people most of the time, but I've been seeing that the time I need to remember isn't so much about quantity but quality.  What I mean is that I've found that a few moments a day, or a week outside of my usual routines are enough to remind me of who I am when my various roles are stripped away.  A soak in an Epsom salts bath with a devotional or book, colouring in my adult colouring book, or catching up on my favourite shows, are great me moments.  But the thing that has been like OXYGEN in this season, is any and every opportunity to create.  This month has been so fun to create a couple websites for creatives around me, and I'm in the midst of creative director duties for a couple of fashion labels I'm working with.  Also been dreaming up a few goodies surrounding the album release, and just letting the imagination run wild...fun fun fun!

I ADORE my little family, and the life Hubs and I are building.  Ava is at the funniest age, where she says the cutest things at the best times; I just love the way she says words incorrectly...it'll be a sad day when she looses her toddler speak.  And Liora at five months, is at the age I just love the most!  Where her favourite thing is snuggles and when everything mummy says and does is sooooo hilarious!  

I just love them so very much, but it really makes life sweeter when I get to step away from time to time to relax and unwind.  It's even more thrilling when, on occasion I get to say yes to my deepest, most sacred desire...the desire to create.

xx

Childlike

“To children, the world and everything in it is new,

something that gives rise to astonishment.

It is not like that for adults.

Most adults accept the world as a matter of course.”

Jostein Gaarder

Life changed again a few weeks ago with the arrival of our darling Liora.  What a cataclysmic blessing children are, and we don't for a second take for granted the epicness of the occasion.

The newness and mysticism of childbirth is in no way dimmed the second time around.  In fact the sensing that this is an unquestioning miracle is much more apparent.  More notably, the realisation that there is a design to this thing we call life, is all the more undeniable.

Even more miraculous is the stretching of my hearts capacity to, in an instant, love another human being so completely and so all encompassingly, that I would do the greatest, or most difficult thing in a nanosecond, should this little life require it.

Second time around, sleeplessness, thankfully hurts a little less...albeit marginally.

Second time around, I am all too aware how fast the days fly by, and how much these little ones change in every 24 hour timespan.  There is hardly enough time to commit the moments to memory, therefore soaking up this precious newness with my eyes and heart wide open is a vital necessity.  

I'm all to aware that in a heartbeat, all I'll be left with of this time are the countless photos taken, and the gloriously fuzzy memories of these momentous, sleep deprived days.

x